Derailed and Pretty Devastated

I had my pre-op appointments on July 20. I had abdominal and pelvic ultrasounds, and then I had a general physical and bloodwork. I was also asked to join a research study regarding hormones from birth control and their potential in helping to delay or stop a woman from ever getting ovarian cancer. Of course I joined the study. And all seemed to go well that day.

Until I was on my way home.

As I was stuck in traffic while driving home, I got a call from Dr. P. (onc gyn). He informed me that a 1.5" mass/tumor had been found in my bladder. It is believed, though not yet confirmed, to be bladder cancer. He referred me to an oncological urologist (Dr. H.). He let me know that at this point, the tumor is priority. I still have surgery scheduled with him on August 4, but that may not happen, depending on what happens with Dr. H. and the tumor.

I have an appointment for a cystoscopy in Dr. H.'s clinic in Livonia tomorrow. This is done with a camera in your urethra. This will give her a good look at what's going on. She said that we'll most likely do surgery next week to scrape out the tumor. It will then be sent to pathology and we'll go from there. Dr. H. also believes it is likely bladder cancer. If you're keeping track, the radiologist believes it is too. So yeah, I most likely have cancer.

And I am scared and mad.

I had prepared myself for breast cancer and ovarian cancer as much as I could. No other type of cancer even crossed my mind. This is so from left field.

I have had some symptoms, but they're the same symptoms that made me think I may actually have ovarian cancer (some symptoms can indicate either of those cancers or completely different things). They're also the symptoms that have had me thinking that I'm starting to go into the early stages of menopause. So I have been brushing the symptoms off as those things, knowing I was either taking care of it already (ovarian cancer with my oophorectomy) or just going to have to deal with it as part of life (early menopause).

As mentioned, I'm still scheduled for my oophorectomy on the 4th. I'm truly prepared to beg Dr. H. to remove the tumor in the same surgery. Here's the thing: I might not be allowed to have two surgeries close together but would be allowed to at the same time. If Dr. H. decides to do surgery early next week, I may not be allowed to have surgery on Friday. Or if the pathology comes back showing that I do indeed have cancer, treatment for that may mean I can't have the oophorectomy until after that treatment is done. And that could be a short time or a long time. If it's a long time, I'm going to be scared to death constantly that ovarian cancer has developed and is unknown and untreated. I think my anxiety would be ridiculously overwhelming if that were the case. I'm already anxious about it.

So tomorrow is a big day. And I'm scared about it. My husband is going with me. We'll get through this. We have to.

I finally told my husband's parents what's going on; all of it. And while my sister was already aware of the BRCA1 stuff, I told her about the tumor too. Those were two of the hardest conversations I've ever had. Soon we'll have to tell my kids what's going on. That will likely be the hardest conversation I've ever had and likely ever will have.

Wish me luck. Pray. Whatever you do that makes good things happen, I'll take it.