Tomorrow is the day

I have two doctor appointments tomorrow. At 9am, I meet with my urologist to get the pathology from my TURBT. At 10:30am, I meet with the new geneticist.

I am anxious. But as I think about what to type, I don't even know what I think any more.

I am fully expecting bad news from Dr. H. Bad news as in "You have bladder cancer." I think I'm even expecting really bad news, as in "You need your bladder out very soon." If I have to have my bladder removed, I am wondering if it will involve chemo at all. Some have chemo beforehand, some have it after. I'm wondering if it would result in a neobladder (part of your intestine is used to make a new bladder) or a stoma/urostomy (external bag that collects urine when you don't have a bladder). I'm wondering when any and/or all of those things would happen. I'm wondering how this will affect me working (two jobs, so not much down time). I'm wondering how it'll make me feel physically and emotionally. I'm wondering how it will affect me being able to attend my kids' events (football, cheer, back-to-school events). I'm wondering how it will affect my family.

I am hoping for a miracle. I am hoping for "We got everything out during the TURBT and it's a grade that hadn't spread." I am hoping for "We'll just keep an eye on things through ultrasound or cystoscopy."

At this point, I just want answers. I can handle anything. I have prepared my older two children for a cancer diagnosis. I am ready to fight. We just need to get moving.

I'm finding it hard to think about anything else. I keep unintentionally trying to read into things. My TURBT was quick and my recovery was easy compared to many of the stories I read online. Is that because it was easy to get out or is that because it was so bad, they didn't take it all out and figured it will come out when they remove the bladder? But I try to stop thinking about it because I won't have answers to those questions until tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

The day everything will change.

One way or another. Either I'll be celebrating a miracle or I'll be planning the biggest battle I've ever fought.

Tomorrow.

(As for the geneticist appointment, it just feels like an afterthought. I need to talk to her, mostly to ask about other risks with my mutation and about when my kids should be tested. I have no worries or hesitation about this appointment; it's just one to check off the to-do list in this BRCA journey.)